Bullying, A Great Man’s Story……

I posted the bullying blog to a number of social networking sites, one in particular is a professional networking site, Linkedin.  I have had some dialoge with the members of the years, though no commentary so inspiring or of interest as the one that comes from Mr. Satori Agape from Reno, Nevada.

He and I share a number of groups, and relationships, and have crossed paths every here now and then, and he has always struck me as the ultimate peace keeper, a man who rises above it all, and turns the other cheek. I now know in greater detail why that is. In response to the BULLY Blog, and the address for the importance of using a voice, particularly in the LGBTQ communities, and the passion for the Human Rights Campaign, he sent me the following message I felt compelled and with his permission, now share with you.

Satori Agape • Good Day All.

Jessica Arent,
Wow!.. I would have never known. Within the LGBT community we have a chant or common mantra that is often brought up… Silence = Death. And I feel you have a very strong point brought up within your posting. Thank you for taking the time to share it and express your thoughts and feelings. I’ve had my experiences as well, but not to a severity that I’ve seen with yours or what others had endured.

I recall once growing up in elementary school, I was bullied by a kid who was older. One day my friends and I were playing dodge ball. Well the ball was thrown and I went after it. It happened that the same kid was nearby and he got to the ball first – he wasn’t playing the game. But he then told me that I had to kiss his sneakers – I knew that was wrong and something in me wouldn’t budge. Another friend of mine came over and nudged me to just do it — so I gave in and did it. As did my friend. The kid threw the ball back at us and we went back but I began crying.. and I couldn’t stop myself.. Recess ended and we went back into class, but I continued – the teacher eventually asked what happened and what was wrong.

I still couldn’t really communicate it threw my sobbing. Luckily my friend was able to but then he began to become overwhelmed with what happened and he started to cry too. The teacher eventually got that student into the class room and she forced him to do what he did to us… he had him kiss our sneakers. Then a girl in our class started to cry – it turns out it was her older brother.

The teacher (Mrs Hill) had contacted all parents to let them know what had happened. During the remainder of the day, she helped console both myself and my friend. That night my parents also helped to talk things out.

Anyways that was back then. — It’s interesting having to recall this as I remember another incident that happened.. Another kid during recess was calling me names and making fun of me. We all we’re playing a game.. I believe it was volleyball.. Anyways something in me snapped and I went after him and then started to hit him. I felt like a bull that saw red.. Looking back at this, I regret having done it. Regardless of the fact that I was just a kid then… I do know that around my early teens I started to self-recall events through my life and relive them. I didn’t seem to do it by reminiscing but moreso to go over what happened and also learn something. I learned that I didn’t have to give into my emotional passion at the time. But I did back then and I was learning… and sorry for what happened.

Later in life … in my mid to late teens, I was introduced to certain spiritual concepts and bodies of knowledge and soon realized I was aligned in many ways to it. One body of knowledge was the Toltec. Within this practice it speaks of “the petty tyrant”.. which I could see many having had encounters throughout my life.

After learning this I began working with that knowledge and was able to use the situation to my advantage — it taught me further skills in what was known as “Controlled Folly”… in my experience and opinion, is a technique whereby one learns to utilize skills and methods to unhinge ones emotional investment and importance of situations and circumstances. After which, we then “play” our actions and thoughts in impeccable ways to master the overall situation. Petty tyrants are much like a testing or proofing ground towards the self-mastery and learning of Toltec stalking techniques.

Good Journey,
Sincerely,
Satori.

About Satori Agape: Holistic Health Practitioner/Educator, Massage Therapist, Aromatherapist.- focused on the positive and life in harmony, Mr Satori is very involved in the Human Rights Campaign and promotes kindness and alternate solutions to crises matters.

BULLY: A person who is habitually cruel or overbearing, especially to smaller or weaker people.

If you were to seek out the definition of a BULLY you would get . A person who is habitually cruel or overbearing, especially to smaller or weaker people. I don’t agree with the “weaker” target. I think that personal strength in personality has nothing to do with it. A bully is simply a threatening personality. Either it is premised on intimidation, or wrapped in manipulation, but it is the effort to assert ones self on another thereby invading personal space. 

I have been reading a number of blogs and posts recently through a myriad of websites and social forums and there is a recurring theme. Facing off with the Bully. My first recollection of a bullying experience was 4th grade. The long and the short, my mother sewed my clothes then, and I went to school in overalls with frogs and lily pads all over them. While seemingly cute, the torture was, my maiden name was LILLIE and it was cause for teasing. I ended up dragged through a mud pile by 6 classmates.  The next memory of a bully experience I have is 8th grade. I was tormented by a group of girls because I was preppy. Seriously. It was about the way I wore my collar, or my argyle socks, and these girls tormented me, following me home for weeks and threatening to beat me up. One day they threatened me and scared me so bad I literally wet my pants. High School came with a new bully. This one preyed on my weight, and found subtle ways to torment me…..I never did learn why I was her target, but even today I see her Facebook page linked to a mutual relationship and my stomach turns. Its been 30 years. You would think I would get over it.

The truth is, even now as adults, we consider the reunions, see the Facebook relationships and relive the torment and torture at the hands of those who found our differences too out of the box, and therefore attempted to alter us by intimidation. What did they all want for a final outcome? What was the agenda? The fact is, there was never an agenda, we didn’t think that far and never considered consequences for our actions. Much like today, these kids who go before judge’s and brutally engage in what is really psychological warfare, never grasp in the moment of the action that there might be consequences greater than they imagined that would have to be faced, because the pain they instilled was too much for the recipient to endure.

While we twist and turn over chance encounters, reunions and accepting Facebook friend requests 20, 30 and 40 years later, from those we distinctly recall as tormentors to our existence and well-being, we recall with clarity and full emotion the experiences that in truth contributed to who we are today. We relive the sick feeling, the stomach turning and the butterflies as though no time has passed, and what I have come to understand is that their recollection is a far scaled down version of ours and probably remembered as “harmless fun”.  Translated, the ramifications and consequences of their actions against us were not so great as the kids who face charges for driving another to take their life. The experience on the part of the tormentor fades away over years and its likely they reach out now forgetting 90% of what/who they were then.

Life’s experiences are designed to influence who we mature to be and lend to the ever evolving development of self. We are on this constant track of learning through experience, and in everything there is balance. We have negative and positive experiences. As we have the experiences over the years, so too does the tormentor. They have their own learning experiences and epiphanies and growth and in all likelihood seek closure or acceptance from those of us whom they once deemed unworthy.

When we are kids we want to just fit in. We seek out the popular, because their lives look so exciting and fun. We seek out the average because they blend in…when in fact not a single one of us is average and blending is misguided. As adults we strive to stand out, and be unique and offer something extraordinary to our communities because these are the very traits that ensure our success.

I believe that childhood and teen years are designed to teach us social skills and we are inclined to push the folds of the envelope. AS children we do so in negative ways. We are figuring out boundaries and what better way to learn than through negative experience? We are wracked with growing pains and changes to our body that are extraordinary. It physically HURTS to grow. Our bodies grow, our bones grow, our brains grow, our hormones change, and what we are left with is a vehicle in chaos. We suddenly hate our authority figures and everyone else is stupid and doesn’t understand what we are going through. We are convinced no one else has ever had our experiences and we are certain we are going through our stuff alone. We ache to just appear normal to the rest of the world and we try to maintain because we simply haven’t the energy to share it with our parents who were never our age and could not possibly understand.  Its laughable really.

Until the consequences of our actions begin to cost us something significant, such as college acceptance, a relationship we really wanted or that job that would have been ideal, we don’t correlate the behavioral choices to the consequences.  When it begins to cost us, then we begin to understand.

Years pass. We change. They change. There is no reason for the torment to have occurred and I absolutely do not condone bullying. I stand up strong for the right to live in peace and full authenticity. Regardless of who we are, what our socio-economic status was or is, the color of our skin, our weight, our attributes or our shortcomings, our religious perspectives or sexual orientation, we have all, at one time or another in our lives been the victim of another. It doesn’t make us weaker. It does however, make us human.

In this modern age of communication, where 30 years ago we didn’t speak of such things, we have evolved through television talk shows, publishing, blogs and social media, that there is very little in the way of “taboo” when it comes to topics. We live now in a world where appearances cannot be kept up, as the world-wide web has created transparency where there never was before. Background checks, and discovery are as simple as a few keystrokes and the “Oprah’s and Jerry Springer” of the world have made it perfectly acceptable to air “dirty laundry”.   My own parents are horrified by this blog (generation gap) and the topics because they see it as private. Keeping up appearances, translates to pride, and is more important than being genuine and real. I prescribe to the opposite. If we don’t talk about it, if we don’t come forward and admit to our experiences in the negative then others won’t know that they are not alone. We can make a positive difference in the life of another by sharing our own, creating community. Sharing the teen suicides for example ,over the bullying issue, is key to changing the way we view our communication and our social responsibilities to one another.  The teen suicide rate did not just take a jump in numbers, we are simply recognizing openly for the first time, that it’s not okay, and learning the cause and effect.

We are empowered by communication. Words are powerful. They can break us down. They can instill pain and insecurity and they can put us on top of the world. It all translates to validation. Validation lends to security with self and self acceptance. We are a community and need one another to survive and tolerance and acceptance lend us personal strength to get up out of bed every day and make a difference.

Choose your communication carefully. Consider the effect it has on another person’s day. Take a minute to smile, to say “please” and “thank you”. It goes a long way.  Forgive those who hurt you a hundred years ago, not for them, but for yourself and your own peace of mind. Its growth and maturity and part of life’s lessons.

We are all beautiful and amazing in our amazingly flawed human way.

LGBT KIDS, MEAN GIRLS AND TOO GAY????? WTH?

As I navigate this road I am astounded by the perspectives of those who are gay, those who are not, the kids and teens who identify and how they identify and find myself scratching my head with greater frequency.

I have been addressing an issue with my son and his “fit” in the local High School. Having recently transferred from California to Texas, and obviously a LGBT youth, I expected some issues but not the ones I find myself confronting and championing. While it is assumed that Texas, the Good Ole” Boys state would be the least likely place to encounter LGBT acceptance, the reality is, he is not being bullied or encountering issues with straight kids but instead with the other LGBT teens, of which this High School has many.

It seems that my son is deemed “too Gay”, ” too effeminate”, and simply put, discovering that socializing among his own community is proving difficult.  This was astounding to me and frankly preposterous.

“What the F%#@????!”   was my immediate response when I learned of the social hardships and unkindness.  I feel trapped in a scene from “Mean Girls” and ill-equipped to understand or make right a situation that is very, very wrong.  While I stood there listening to this young man (not mine) elaborate on the dis-likeable traits of my son, such as too girly, too feminine, too OUT and the justification that my son is living Gay as a lifestyle as opposed to this kid’s “character and personality trait” I found that for the first time I was speechless and dangerous all at the same time. A mother’s first instinct is to attack the aggressor ( frankly I wanted to haul this young man in front of a mirror and ask him if he preferred to be the POT or the Kettle today?) There he stood, with that Justin Bieber/Donald Trump comb-over no one ever imagined would be fashionable, in matching red t-shirt and red ked’s and freshly pressed skinny jeans and wondered if this kid really knew what he was saying?  I am discovering in this amazing OUT world through my child, that kids, regardless of sexual orientation, are just plain cruel.

So I ask the question, is there a difference between Gay and “Too Gay”?  What does that mean exactly?  Why would these kids not bond and form community choosing to be at odds instead, in this world of equality and defusing hate crimes and bullying?  Is that other child really convinced that he is “different” and in some way superior to my son? What is the sense behind “Character trait” vs “lifestyle”?

I see so much coming at me as a parent, and like all parents, worry, fret and stress over the happiness and childhood experiences of my children. Childhood should last as long as possible and be joyful and memorable and fun…..so when you think you have done right by your child, and you are helping him or her build their community and discover that even today in this world of equality and change that instead of bonding and becoming a force to be reckoned with, they are at odds and still unkind to one another for petty reasons such as the shirt they wear, the speech patterns or characteristics it makes a parent want to SCREAM!

I am at a loss on this one. I rally for the child, in the meantime, let him know that in the world there are the real and the superficial and the unkind everywhere, but there is also kind, real and genuine and finding those people are the gift of the everyday wonders of life……WHY was I not issued a manual when that stork dropped by???????

 

WHAT IS A BULLY?

What is a Bully?

 

When does it cease to be “kids will be kids” and becomes active bullying? Having been the victim of bullying in school, as early as elementary school, and as recently as a couple of years ago as an adult, in the work place, I am far too familiar with bullying and the various forms bullying can take.

So when is it officially “bullying”?

Well let’s break it down:

PHYSICAL BULLYING:

The most obvious and familiar is Physical Bullying. This involves bodily contact between aggressor and victim for the purpose of intimidation and control. The characteristics include kicking, punching, biting, hitting, scratching, wrestling until the victim is submissive and incapable of retaliation. Weapons are included in this, as they can be used to further the campaign against the victim and pose a threat of lethal force and further bodily harm.

VERBAL BULLYING: This pattern interfere’s with the healthy emotional state and development of another person. This is an onslaught of words that are demoralizing, involve name calling, suggests a character assassination, and can be more damaging than physical bullying because the emotional scars last a lifetime. The act of intimidating the victim to believing the words to be true regardless of how derogatory or far-fetched is the verbally abusive bully. During intense verbal abuse, the victim is dominated until submissive and as a result of the words used and now the victims imposed self perception can cause clinical depression and post-traumatic stress disorder. Despite the fact that it is the most common type of abuse, verbal abuse is generally not taken as seriously as other forms of abuse, because there is no visible proof. In my personal experience most recently I was the target of this bully. While the words were not ever said to me directly, instead in a passive aggressive attempt the bully intimidated, using work and hours as leverage, her subordinates in a hate campaign against me. Her words to others were hurtful, and contrived and I was therefore isolated and ultimately forced out of the company. While I tried to blow the whistle on my bully and illustrated through official company documentation that she was in fact orchestrating the campaign, I was “shooed away” and the matter was covered up and I was dismissed. In reality, whether direct or indirect, moderate to severe cases of verbal abuse (especially in which the victim is under constant attack) can be more detrimental to a person’s health than physical abuse.

Interestingly, studies show that verbal abuse starting from a young age contributes to inferiority complex, machismo attitudes, and other negative behaviors that plague many people into senior age.These instigate social challenges and outcasts or breeds bullies for the survival of the fittest.

 

CYBER BULLYING is the use of  Internet, cell phones or other devices to send or post text or images intended to hurt or embarrass another person. Cyber-bullying can be as simple as continuing to send e-mail to someone who has said they want no further contact with the sender, and continues however, cyber-bullying includes threats, sexual remarks, pejorative labels such as HATE SPEECH,  ganging up on victims by making them the subject of ridicule in forums, chat spaces, open social media platforms, tweeting, and posting false statements as fact aimed at humiliation. Cyber-bullies may disclose victims’ personal data (e.g. real name, address, or workplace/schools) at websites or forums or may pose as the identity of a victim for the purpose of publishing material in their name that defames or ridicules them. Some cyber-bullies may also send threatening and harassing emails and instant messages to the victims, while others in again, a passive aggressive manner, will post rumors or gossip and instigate others to dislike and gang up on the target. According to research, boys initiate mean online activity earlier than girls do. However, by middle school, girls are more likely to engage in cyber-bullying than boys do. Whether the bully is male or female, their purpose is to intentionally embarrass others, harass, intimidate, or make threats online to one another. This bullying occurs via email, text messaging, posts, videos, blogs, and micro and web sites.

Definition: emotional abuse or mental abuse, is a form of abuse characterized by a person subjecting or exposing another to behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder. Such abuse is often associated with situations of power imbalance, such as abusive relationships, bullying, child abuse and in the workplace

 

There is a strong link between bullying and suicide, as suggested by recent bullying-related suicides in the US and several other countries. The statistics on bullying and suicide are alarming:

• Suicide is the third leading cause of death among young people, resulting in about 4400 deaths per year, according to the CDC. For every suicide among young people, there are at least 100 suicide attempts. Over 14 percent of high school students have considered suicide, and almost 7 percent have attempted it
• Bully victims are between 2 to 9 times more likely to consider suicide than non-victims, according to studies by Yale University
• A study in Britain found that at least half of suicides among young people are related to bullying
• 10 to 14 year old girls may be at even higher risk for suicide, according to the study above
• According to statistics reported by ABC News, nearly 30 percent of students are either bullies or victims, and 160,000 kids stay home from school every day because of bullying.

 

There are resources to help you if you believe your child is being victimized. If you don’t Stand Up for your child who will?

 

http://www.pacer.org/bullying/

HISTORY OF PACER CENTER

When PACER was established in 1977, it began with one project: Parents Helping Parents. Then as now, PACER was staffed primarily by parents of children with disabilities dedicated to educating other parents and improving the lives of children with disabilities throughout Minnesota. With a small grant from the Minnesota Department of Education, PACER conducted a five-month pilot project and demonstrated the effectiveness of the “parents helping parents” model.   

Although today PACER offers more than 30 programs for parents, students, professionals and other parent organizations, the original philosophy of “parents helping parents” remains the foundation upon which PACER has grown. Whether addressing the issues of early childhood or assisting youth in making the transition from high school to work, parents on PACER’s staff share their experiences and their knowledge with others so that all Minnesota’s children with disabilities may have a better future.

A look at the past 30 years shows the commitment and some of the accomplishments of PACER friends, boards and other volunteers and staff who have worked hard to make a difference in the lives of children with disabilities and their families.

 

http://www.glsen.org/cgi-bin/iowa/all/home/index.htm

GLSEN

GLSEN works with educators, policy makers, community leaders and students on the urgent need to address anti-LGBT behavior and bias in schools. GLSEN strives to protect students from bullying and harassment, to advance comprehensive safe schools laws and policies, to empower principals to make their schools safer, and to build the skills of educators to teach respect for all people.

http://www.welcomingschools.org/teachable-moments/

WELCOMING SCHOOLS

Teachable moments are opportunities to move one step closer to creating welcoming schools for all children and families.  Imagine scenarios like these:

• A student walks by your classroom and says, “That’s so gay!” to her friends.
• You overhear one student say to another, “How can he be your father? The color of his skin is so different than yours!”
• Your son asks you “What does gay mean?” while you sit down for dinner.
• “How could a mother give up her child?” asks a student during a discussion about adoption.     

Without forethought, these topics may catch us by surprise because they are not often discussed.  Practicing age-appropriate responses to students’ questions and reviewing the necessary terminology helps all of us take advantage of these teachable moments. With preparation, these moments can actually help us improve a school’s environment.

http://www.glbtqonlinehighschool.com/

GLBTQ ONLINE HIGH SCHOOL

Imagine a school where you can be you. Where your friends share similar experiences and similar questions. Where you can get a high quality education while receiving comprehensive support from adults and peers. Where all staff members genuinely want to work with you. Because of who you are. Even if you’re not sure.

Welcome to GLBTQ Online High School, the world’s first online high school specifically for glbtq youth. Our mission is to provide a safe and welcoming educational community that proides a high quality, comprehensive college-preparatory online high school experience for students who are gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender youth, or those questioning their sexuality or gender, and others.

http://www.youthline.ca/

LESBIAN GAY BI TRANS YOUTH LINE CANADA

The Lesbian Gay Bi Trans Youth Line is a toll-free service provided by youth for youth.  We’re here to offer support, information and referrals specific to your concerns.  We are here because we want to be there for you – to be part of your community.  We may not have lived your experiences exactly, but we can probably relate. We too, are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, transsexual, two-spirit or queer.  

No question is too silly, no problem too serious.  We may not have all the answers, but we’re here to listen and we’ll do our best to help you find the resources you need.  We are sex positive and non-judgemental. We’re here to help youth who are 26 and under who live anywhere in Ontario.

 

 

 

 

http://www.thetrevorproject.org/

WE SAVE LIVES

THE TREVOR LIFELINE – 866-4-U-TREVOR  [U.S. CALLS ONLY]      

The Trevor Lifeline is the only nationwide, around-the-clock crisis and suicide prevention lifeline for LGBTQ youth. The Trevor Lifeline is a free and confidential service that offers hope and someone to talk to, 24/7. Each year, tens of thousands of calls are fielded from young people across the country. The Trevor Lifeline is accredited as an exemplary crisis intervention program by the American Association for Suicidology (AAS).

http://community.pflag.org/claimyourrights

PFLAG

Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) is a national non-profit organization with over 200,000 members and supporters and over 500 affiliates in the United States. This vast grassroots network is cultivated, resourced and serviced by the PFLAG National Office, located in Washington, D.C., the national Board of Directors and 13 Regional Directors.

 

Standing Up Strong is dedicated to helping you to stand up strong for yourself and your child. We are committed to providing excellent resources and valuable information to help you make great choices for yourself and your child. Its a place where gathering your strength is encouraged and when you think you haven’t any strength, you find some encouragement to muster some. Strength comes with conviction of the heart.

Bullying hurts, no matter who you are or how old you are. Your strength is what will overcome the situation. Finding Strength in your Community who Genuinely Cares is invaluable.