NO REGRETS…..

13 Tuesday May 31, 2011, Courtney Boyd Myers

The top 5 regrets people make on their deathbeds

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When Ms. Bonnie Ware, a nurse who worked for years with the dying, posted her list of the top 5 regrets people say aloud on their deathbed, we teared up a little bit here at TNW.

According to the blog post, the following regrets were first posted in The Observer in 2010, and we’ve recopied them for you here below. But instead of just the grandmotherly bits of advice about dreams having gone unfulfilled, we’ve supplemented each regret with some rockstar advice on how to not have these regrets in the digital age.

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

TNW Advice: We interview so many entrepreneurs here at The Next Web, some of whom will succeed, most of whom will fail. But it’s about going out and creating a reality out of what was once just an idea in your head. Today, due to the Internet’s accessibility, smart people are discovering that instead of getting the next big paying cog-in-a-machine job that they are able to start their own company and they’re receiving a lot of satisfaction from doing so.

“Yesterday, I had an epiphany that for the first time in my life, who I am and who I want to be are virtually one in the same. It’s so much more effective to be yourself than to pretend to be something your not because doing the latter is so emotionally taxing, you’ll never be someone that is fully committed. Being yourself pays dividends.”

-Brett Martin, the CEO and Founder of Sonar, a hot new social, location-based mobile application.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

TNW Advice: We are really hard workers here at The Next Web, in fact, I am pretty sure that @Zee hasn’t slept in the past 36 hours. But being a Dutch-based company, our roots are in relaxation. We know how to unwind after hard days.

If you need some literary inspiration, read up on How To Disconnect, A Primer andThe value in jumping off the social media train.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

TNW Advice: Expressing your feelings to loved ones and blogging or tweeting your thoughts are two different things. People often use Twitter as a soap box to express their anger or resentment over things they can not control. We’d like to take this time to remind you that as much as we love living in the virtual world, sometimes a hug, a long chat over a glass of wine or a phone call to a loved one far away is more valuable than any social media valuation, no matter how ludicrous.

 

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

TNW Advice: At first glance, this is a relatively easy problem to tackle as social networks, namely Facebook, have allowed us to keep up with too many friends and social connections. My best friends always say, “Thank god for Facebook, because I know you’re alive.” And this is slightly concerning. My best friends have to follow me on Facebook to know I’m alive? Use Facebook to keep in quick contact with friends, but defer to real life for those that matter. Pokes, Likes and Comments are not the same as ladies’ lunches, beach trips and dinner parties. Make the time.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have sillyness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

TNW Advice: If you’re reading this, chances are you have a long way to go before you die. So, please, allow yourself to be happy. Smile in the sunshine, kick the ball around with your son, have a glass of wine with your wife in the afternoon, move to Argentina, buy yourself that iPad 2 even if you think you don’t need it, buy yourself a Kindle, because you won’t regret it; whatever it is, be good to yourself.

BULLY: A person who is habitually cruel or overbearing, especially to smaller or weaker people.

If you were to seek out the definition of a BULLY you would get . A person who is habitually cruel or overbearing, especially to smaller or weaker people. I don’t agree with the “weaker” target. I think that personal strength in personality has nothing to do with it. A bully is simply a threatening personality. Either it is premised on intimidation, or wrapped in manipulation, but it is the effort to assert ones self on another thereby invading personal space. 

I have been reading a number of blogs and posts recently through a myriad of websites and social forums and there is a recurring theme. Facing off with the Bully. My first recollection of a bullying experience was 4th grade. The long and the short, my mother sewed my clothes then, and I went to school in overalls with frogs and lily pads all over them. While seemingly cute, the torture was, my maiden name was LILLIE and it was cause for teasing. I ended up dragged through a mud pile by 6 classmates.  The next memory of a bully experience I have is 8th grade. I was tormented by a group of girls because I was preppy. Seriously. It was about the way I wore my collar, or my argyle socks, and these girls tormented me, following me home for weeks and threatening to beat me up. One day they threatened me and scared me so bad I literally wet my pants. High School came with a new bully. This one preyed on my weight, and found subtle ways to torment me…..I never did learn why I was her target, but even today I see her Facebook page linked to a mutual relationship and my stomach turns. Its been 30 years. You would think I would get over it.

The truth is, even now as adults, we consider the reunions, see the Facebook relationships and relive the torment and torture at the hands of those who found our differences too out of the box, and therefore attempted to alter us by intimidation. What did they all want for a final outcome? What was the agenda? The fact is, there was never an agenda, we didn’t think that far and never considered consequences for our actions. Much like today, these kids who go before judge’s and brutally engage in what is really psychological warfare, never grasp in the moment of the action that there might be consequences greater than they imagined that would have to be faced, because the pain they instilled was too much for the recipient to endure.

While we twist and turn over chance encounters, reunions and accepting Facebook friend requests 20, 30 and 40 years later, from those we distinctly recall as tormentors to our existence and well-being, we recall with clarity and full emotion the experiences that in truth contributed to who we are today. We relive the sick feeling, the stomach turning and the butterflies as though no time has passed, and what I have come to understand is that their recollection is a far scaled down version of ours and probably remembered as “harmless fun”.  Translated, the ramifications and consequences of their actions against us were not so great as the kids who face charges for driving another to take their life. The experience on the part of the tormentor fades away over years and its likely they reach out now forgetting 90% of what/who they were then.

Life’s experiences are designed to influence who we mature to be and lend to the ever evolving development of self. We are on this constant track of learning through experience, and in everything there is balance. We have negative and positive experiences. As we have the experiences over the years, so too does the tormentor. They have their own learning experiences and epiphanies and growth and in all likelihood seek closure or acceptance from those of us whom they once deemed unworthy.

When we are kids we want to just fit in. We seek out the popular, because their lives look so exciting and fun. We seek out the average because they blend in…when in fact not a single one of us is average and blending is misguided. As adults we strive to stand out, and be unique and offer something extraordinary to our communities because these are the very traits that ensure our success.

I believe that childhood and teen years are designed to teach us social skills and we are inclined to push the folds of the envelope. AS children we do so in negative ways. We are figuring out boundaries and what better way to learn than through negative experience? We are wracked with growing pains and changes to our body that are extraordinary. It physically HURTS to grow. Our bodies grow, our bones grow, our brains grow, our hormones change, and what we are left with is a vehicle in chaos. We suddenly hate our authority figures and everyone else is stupid and doesn’t understand what we are going through. We are convinced no one else has ever had our experiences and we are certain we are going through our stuff alone. We ache to just appear normal to the rest of the world and we try to maintain because we simply haven’t the energy to share it with our parents who were never our age and could not possibly understand.  Its laughable really.

Until the consequences of our actions begin to cost us something significant, such as college acceptance, a relationship we really wanted or that job that would have been ideal, we don’t correlate the behavioral choices to the consequences.  When it begins to cost us, then we begin to understand.

Years pass. We change. They change. There is no reason for the torment to have occurred and I absolutely do not condone bullying. I stand up strong for the right to live in peace and full authenticity. Regardless of who we are, what our socio-economic status was or is, the color of our skin, our weight, our attributes or our shortcomings, our religious perspectives or sexual orientation, we have all, at one time or another in our lives been the victim of another. It doesn’t make us weaker. It does however, make us human.

In this modern age of communication, where 30 years ago we didn’t speak of such things, we have evolved through television talk shows, publishing, blogs and social media, that there is very little in the way of “taboo” when it comes to topics. We live now in a world where appearances cannot be kept up, as the world-wide web has created transparency where there never was before. Background checks, and discovery are as simple as a few keystrokes and the “Oprah’s and Jerry Springer” of the world have made it perfectly acceptable to air “dirty laundry”.   My own parents are horrified by this blog (generation gap) and the topics because they see it as private. Keeping up appearances, translates to pride, and is more important than being genuine and real. I prescribe to the opposite. If we don’t talk about it, if we don’t come forward and admit to our experiences in the negative then others won’t know that they are not alone. We can make a positive difference in the life of another by sharing our own, creating community. Sharing the teen suicides for example ,over the bullying issue, is key to changing the way we view our communication and our social responsibilities to one another.  The teen suicide rate did not just take a jump in numbers, we are simply recognizing openly for the first time, that it’s not okay, and learning the cause and effect.

We are empowered by communication. Words are powerful. They can break us down. They can instill pain and insecurity and they can put us on top of the world. It all translates to validation. Validation lends to security with self and self acceptance. We are a community and need one another to survive and tolerance and acceptance lend us personal strength to get up out of bed every day and make a difference.

Choose your communication carefully. Consider the effect it has on another person’s day. Take a minute to smile, to say “please” and “thank you”. It goes a long way.  Forgive those who hurt you a hundred years ago, not for them, but for yourself and your own peace of mind. Its growth and maturity and part of life’s lessons.

We are all beautiful and amazing in our amazingly flawed human way.

I do this because it is a RIGHT not a PRIVILEGE …..

I am often asked why I do what I do. It’s simple really; I believe. I believe that I am no better nor worse than any other person, and we are all entitled to live our lives as we see fit. We each of us, feed an eco-system, and it is neither right nor wrong in how you choose to live your life.

I do this because I believe in my children. I believe that my son has the right to live his life in full joy and equality, and it is not for me or any other to determine where he finds true love, nor is it for me to judge. Like my other children under normal circumstances, I want my son to live his life to the fullest, having every imaginable benchmark and experience in full authenticity of who he is. Dating openly. Falling in love miraculously and openly. Getting engaged in celebration, openly. Getting married before God and Community, openly. Having children, experiencing the life cycle in all of its splendor, openly. Parenting as same sex parents, openly. Living life in full abundance of love and acceptance, openly.

So we sought ways to lead by example, and to take a stand by action for our belief’s and our dreams for our son. We have 3 amazing children, and 1 extraordinary story. We dream of holidays, and birthdays, with a long table surrounded by children, grandchildren, in-laws and outlaws! We dream of our children experiencing this extraordinary journey in full serendipitous splendor and abundant joy, and it is through our love and our commitment and support of their endeavor to each be genuine and authentic to themselves, and living their lives in the same way.

The first project was www.gayweddingmexico.com.  In March 2010, Mexico recognized lawfully the right to civil partnership in matrimony and same sex unions became nationally legal.  In allegiance to Mexico, www.gayweddingmexico.com launched on the web, and became the first Mexico Gay and Lesbian, Bi Sexual and Transgender resource for destination Weddings, travel and service for Mexico. Offering everything from private rock star villas in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico with all the bells and whistles to the quaint apartamento in San Miguel de Allende, Mexico, PROMESA, and www.gayweddingmexico.com sought to open the doors to extraordinary, creating a legacy for our son.

Following this project I launched STANDING UP STRONG, a blog that endeavors to share the journey of life with extraordinary circumstances. Highlighting the experience of raising an LGBT teen, and taking a stand as a parent to champion for the children, http://www.wordpress.STANDINGUPSTRONG.com empowers young kids, and adults alike to find personal strength, understanding, insight, forgiveness and humor to make a difference. To share the journey and rally for the underdog, we each have a story and something to share, that something could be the pivotal thing someone else needs to gather their own strength. Life takes endurance and strength, no matter who you are. I gather my strength because I know I make a difference every day, to someone, somewhere. I believe therein lies the meaning of it all. To teach one another creating evolution is the meaning of life.

We prepare now to launch another LGBT project that will reach millions eventually and create a stronger community for tomorrow. We are in the final stages of preparation and excited will issue an announcement for a launch in the very near future. We are making a difference each and every day for both the LGBT youth and adults, and future of the community.

I do this, because I am a mother of three extraordinary children. Each child is unique, each beautiful, each brilliant and exceptional, and each in right of living life in abundance and equality. I do not have a favorite child; I love them equally, and feel that they each should live their lives equally. It’s a right, not a privilege.