What happens when you come out to your friends in school? Depends on the kid, but in the big picture, there are a multitude of dynamics that affect this situation. Usually the first instinct is the straight kid thinking that now the gay kid is attracted to him/her! While not too far fetched in theory, unlikely in probability. Unfortunately the straight kid, no matter how close the relationship was or is before coming OUT, is going to go through 100 questions, assumptions, chaos and confusion in the span of less than 20 seconds. Rest assured that while he/she is on guard and is now looking at you as though you have two heads, horns and flames erupting from your mouth, there is going to be an awkward moment or two while everyone collects their wits!
You already know you are Gay, and you have come to some terms with it. You don’t need time to assimilate the information but your friend does. Take a step back from your own personal feelings and communicate with calm. You need to remind them that nothing has changed about you in the few minutes or seconds it took to impart the information, you are still the same person they know and have been hanging out with. They now know something far more intimate and life altering about you, but your sexual preference has nothing to do with the friendship, and does not define your character. This conversation and experience requires taking great stock and inventory of yourself and assessing the value of the relationship, how you percieve yourself and the other person, and how they percieve you and what each of you benefits from the relationship. That is the key to any exchange between people.
Its a common idea that straight guys are wanted by gay guys, and therefore the relationship poses a threat. The probability and truth here is that the relationship didn’t change, there is likely to be no attraction and this only breeds contempt and fear unnecessarily.
Teenagers are subject to hormonal changes, chaos and confusion and anxiety that is all normally associated with being 13-20. They are emotionally painful years in which a child learns to navigate relationships that are not familial, and learns the meaning of intimacy, while at the same time assuming more responsibility in the world. Girls lose their minds and become uglier versions of themselves with alter egos that roll their eyes, stomp their feet, whine, fuss and carry on, and resemble something from The Exorcist such as head spinning and speaking in different tongues. Boys grow secretive, solemn and spend increasing time alone or absorbed in their sports/activities. Music is introduced as a way of life and the genre and content of what they are listening to can set a mood. Both genders dissappear into an abyss commonly known as social media, social life and friends, never to be seen unless needing to be fed, or after a long sleep on the occassional Saturday or Sunday afternoon. Imagine going though these adolscent rituals with the complex understanding that your preference in relationships and partnerships is the taboo “same sex version”? This complicates the process and makes it even more difficult and in some cases seems hopeless and overwhelming without support. The child who is fearful of coming out is the most homophobic and can be the cruelest. This is the kid that goes to extremes to appear straight and will do anything to keep up the appearances. His communication is full of derogatory comments and insults, because he is protecting himself. Or thinks he is…..
So there you are, you have blurted it out to someone important. You have told a friend and now anything can happen. Its frightening and unchartered territory, and comes with it possibility of social disorder, and becoming an outcast where social hierarchy and acceptance determine the enjoyment of school and life.
Stay real to the moment. Be honest be authentic and genuine and respect the other person regardless of the perception they may or may not have on you. Your strength in the situation is defined by how you carry yourself, and the method in the communication. Setting the example through your own communication, body language and tolerance (YES there MUST be tolerance for the straight person in this scenario) will set the tone moving forward. Keep in mind a gay teen can be more homophobic than anyone, because he is trying to behave as thought straight, afraid to come OUT. In truth the gay factor has no more affect than the car you drive the way you spend your time, academic performance or music choices. Helping your friends understand this, and move forward without costing you the friendship is the key to whole equation.
Strength is defined as having a mental power, force and vigor, establishing a moral power, firmness and courage. It takes strength to stand up strong in what you believe in, and not bow down in shame. It takes infinite bravery to come OUT and the younger kids doing it today should be applauded with a standing ovation.
I have watched my son blossom as a person since coming OUT two years ago. I have seen him combat becoming a victim with greater strength than a man twice his age, taking control of his life and destiny and becoming a leader in his community. I have watched him take pride in who he is with a clarity and understanding that there is NOTHING wrong with him, and he is nothing short of perfect because as parents we STAND UP STRONG behind him and champion for him. We open doors, seek solutions and educate him in how to go about living his life in full authenticity.
Words only hurt if you allow them to. In truth every person comes with a flaw or imperfection by social standards. Once upon a time, being a Jew was horrific, dirty and shameful. Millions of Jews were persecuted and murdered for the basic “crime” of being different and socially deemed inferior. Later Afro Americans fought for their rights of freedom and equality where once the drinking fountains and bathrooms were segregated. Being Gay and OUT is the final frontier on bias, predjudice and equality. Being Gay is not shameful, nor regrettable nor imperfect. Just as great leaders in history had to STAND UP STRONG to educate the masses and take up their cause to inspire change, so must we today, take a stand for the LGBT youth, and strengthen their foundation and authenticity by educating the masses.
Standing Up Strong 