I think I am not alone. I believe that like many others, my childhood, the challenges of the upbringing and the choices throughout my life have brought with it incredible sacrifice and amazing joy and through it all I have learned to stand up strong.
I used to find it peculiar when people were asked to describe me in one word, be it my child, my friends, my sister, or my husband, the word chosen is always “strong”. I just thought I was living my life. I didn’t realize that the leaps and plunges I took along the road regardless of consequences would leave the indellible impression of strength and perserverance. Regardless, I recognize that my choices, right or “wrong” ( I hate words like “wrong” and “failure”) brought upon consequences that would leave me making choices that would forever change and greatly impact the path of my personal life & journey.
One of my earliest memories is of being spanked at age 3 in the middle of the cul de sac in front of all the kids. It wasn’t until recently that I came to learn the whole story from my sister, 5 years older than I. It seems I had an”accident” and my father felt that it was “willful” of me to not acknowledge the need to use the bathroom. Today we recognize that a recently potty trained child is prone to accidents, as they develop and any number of reasons can apply to the “why” in such an event. Today we would be appalled at the parents choice to take such a course of action in teaching a child the basic task to remember to use the toilet and raising a hand to the child would be the last option on our minds. I was deemed “willful” at a very early age, and have been told with repitition throughout my life “the only way to get control is to break your spirit”. I have a long list of memories in which tormenting letters chalked full of “disappointment” and character assassinations were sent to me at school from my parents. I have a list of memories in which my parents took extreme psychological lengths to impart a message or teach something. I continue to be the target for them, because I am unbending in my beliefs and will not compromise my ethics and morals to meet their agenda’s and have spent a lifetime suffering their imposed isolation for the purpose of breaking my spirit and meeting their personal agenda’s. Countless holidays and birthdays spent alone without family for not agreeing. Isolation is psychological warfare and the purpose of which for them, CONTROL. Today I look back and wonder why on earth anyone would want to break someone’s spirit. At age 42 I came to understand that my upbringing was chalked full of psychological abuse and fallout, but was a key component to creating the woman I am today. I have a long journey ahead, while I sort through the relationship and find peace and forgiveness. What I know without a shadow of a doubt, is that God makes no mistakes, and he didn’t make one when creating me. Thus, the character, the traits and the spirit with which I live my life, my own code of conduct and choices, and ultimate morality is defined in HIS eyes, and while it may have been too much for my parents, or too difficult for them, in truth, there has never really been anything wrong with me. So, I try and work toward forgiveness, not for them, but for myself and finding peace within my restless heart and soul.
I have had a personal journey that some may recognize as their own, or in likeness and others would find unfathomable. I have had to make choices that I never imagined I would have to make, and I have had to champion for causes against relationships I never dreamt would make me choose. I have had incredible rewards through the experiences and I have had incredible pain. I work through the understanding that what I thought I knew and what is, are in diametric opposition and today I reconcile that I am okay just the way I am.
God gave me three miraculous gifts along the way. Darren, Paige and Chase. Each child comes with their own story, journey, challenges and hurdles and accomplishments, and each child lends themselves to the legacy that is me. I have never stood down. I have never accepted “Because I said so” and I have never succumb to the idea that respect is given by demand other than command. I have never been a hypocrite and I have never asked another to do anything I myself wouldn’t do first. I understand through personal experiences that the course of life has been about learning and making a difference on the world, and community. God gave me three indescribably perfect children, who make me proud every day in their own way, and bring a joy to the world that would otherwise be remiss. And it is through them that I stand up.
While I intend to focus on the youngest of the 3 here, it is likely that each will have their place. The fact is, each is significant in the story unfolding of who I am, and where I am going and the impact and difference I want to make on the world today moving forward.
My life has taught me that we are all created equal in the eyes of our maker. Whether you view that as Darwin’s evolution, you subscribe to traditional ideals of God, or Universe or Buddah. Life has taught me that “perfection” is by grand design of a greater power. “I stand for the power to change. I stand for the perfect day. I love until it hurts like crazy, and I hope for a hero to save me. I stand for the strange and lonely. I live for a better day. I don’t know if the sky is heaven, but I pray anyway”…..(Idina Menzel)
And so it is here that I begin, with vulnerability, and fear, caution and absolute faith, that by sharing it all, someone else will get strength out of it, and find a place to make their own positive impact. It is the paradigm shift in the idea that negative doesn’t have to return negative, but rather, can be redirected to create a positive. I strive for that. I strive to take the pain and hurt and create something amazing and beautiful out of it. Perhaps herein lies the bountiful word and adjective used to describe me……”.STRONG.”
So I dedicate this and all moving forward to my children, my sister and above all the man who loves me with relentless dedication, and reminds me that I have a message and story that should be shared and that my “strength” defines me.
Standing Up Strong 